I know everything is tough right now. I know everything and everyone is against you. I know you feel like you gave so much and taken little. I know you think that no one loves you. I know you think you are not worthy. I know you can only trust certain people. I know that you know this is unhealthy. I know you. I see all of you. In fact, I am you. So I’m sorry to say that I’m sorry this is happening right now but you can get through this. So stop overthinking things. Just observe for now and see where it goes then make a plan for yourself only for you and no one else. For those who are affected by your final decision well … I hope one day they will understand.
I feel as though
someone warped my mind into something else.
It’s like there is a parasite in my brain
that I’m trying to get it out but it wants to live there
and make me something else.
I want my mind back.
My mind is my mind, not yours.
You know this is not healthy. It’s not right. You two rely on each other too much. In the end, you two drive each other crazy–from pain to laughter. You still think he is still worth it. You still think he can be something. I must admit … I believe in him too because I saw it in his eyes like you have. If you are right then time will show us that you two belong together.
Now you deicide to be patient. Hehe.
What took you so long?
You finally gave up on me. That’s what I wanted you do for me.
So I finally know that I lost you.
I always knew I don’t deserve something so beautiful.
Your kind of love is something different I thought. I guess I was wrong.
At least I now know I truly don’t need or want it.
Now I’ll fight my corner again till I finally give up on myself once more.
Now I’m curious of how I will die.
Do something! Anything! For goodness sake, why can’t do something that can help you and others at the same time? You can be pathetic but I know you do nothing because you are just scared. You’re scared of what will happen next to the point that you feel like you are going to do something that will hurt yourself really bad. Come on. You know that isn’t the answer. Do something productive. Make him proud!
So stop it! Stop feeling bad about yourself and fix your problem. It’s your problem so fix it. You know you have to whether you like it or not. So fix it. Fix it!
Oh God! I hope everything will go as planned. If not then I’m hella screwed. I need to remind myself that I deserve a fresh start and live the way I should and no one else’s. Sometimes I think I don’t trust myself enough to do this but I have to keep remind myself to do it for me. I never get a chance to help me when I’m too busy helping other people. I hope my friends would know how much I love them. They always motivated me but I never believed it. Now I need to motivate myself. Come on! I can do this! Yes I can. Yes I can. Yes I can!
Alright. Here we go!
Just remember to just breathe and everything will fall in place.
P.S. I just hope one day he will forgive me. Can’t help but wonder if he will be proud of me if I do this?
It’s okay. Just breathe. I know it is scary but you know you need this. Remember that you are doing this for you and no one else. So stop doubting yourself DAMN IT. You know you did everything you can for them and now you need to focus on you. Just be the better version of yourself and everything will be alright.