Suicidal thoughts had been part of my life since I was a child. I always been fascinated by death. I even thought of million ways to kill myself. Niagara Falls has been a wonderful idea to die because it looks so beautiful to be drowned into I thought. This feeling had been so constant that it feels too much sometimes. Most of the time I lost it flow right through me but other days it keeps coming back wave after wave. It’s like there’s no way I can escape from its embrace. It feels too strong to be ignored.
You told me to decide so fine. I decide not to believe in anything anymore. I don’t believe in love, faith, hope, or God. Once you believe in something, you will get hurt. And I don’t like getting hurt. So it’s better to pretend everything is okay even though it’s not.
I feel like my emotions shut down. It’s like I can’t feel anything until I read a piece of poetry or watching a clip that explains everything I am actually feeling. That is when my emotions finally shows and it feels both a good release and sad. Now my emotions is riding underneath the surface and not wanting to show until someone angers me. I’m trying to remain calm while focusing on myself.
I’ve been broken so many times. Maybe I keep choosing the wrong ones who never cared about me. Maybe I keep turning away the ones who actually cared. Maybe something is wrong with me. In the end, I know I deserve someone better who treats me right. So I can finally learn to love on the right person who is going to stick with me from everything and anything that life throws at us.
Ok, here’s a thing. I’m starting to feel tired. I’m becoming tired of trying to impress people but I will always try my best. That part of me will never change. So why do people demand perfection even though it’s impossible. I hate how people often criticize and critique me harshly. I’m like you. I’m trying my best and do whatever we can able to control. So please be patient.
I thought you were my person
Someone I can talk to about anything at any time
Someone who looks beyond my flaws and see who I really am
Someone I show the best and worse of me
Someone who feels like home
Someone I can be with without shame
Someone who loves me for me
So where are you now??
I know everything feels overwhelming right now
but you have to let these emotions run through you for a moment.
Just let it then breathe. It’s okay not to be okay.
In fact, sing your heart out,
run like a horse,
fly all over the world,
or anything that brings you peace.
Take this time for yourself.
Recover whatever you lost. So you can gain something new.