Suicidal thoughts had been part of my life since I was a child. I always been fascinated by death. I even thought of million ways to kill myself. Niagara Falls has been a wonderful idea to die because it looks so beautiful to be drowned into I thought. This feeling had been so constant that it feels too much sometimes. Most of the time I lost it flow right through me but other days it keeps coming back wave after wave. It’s like there’s no way I can escape from its embrace. It feels too strong to be ignored.
I know everything feels overwhelming right now
but you have to let these emotions run through you for a moment.
Just let it then breathe. It’s okay not to be okay.
In fact, sing your heart out,
run like a horse,
fly all over the world,
or anything that brings you peace.
Take this time for yourself.
Recover whatever you lost. So you can gain something new.
My body feels like it’s cringing
As if my blood is burning
Just to paralyze me
Only to grab my attention
For a moment,
Everything was fine
Then it happens again
Now my emotions are playing games with me
That I cannot win
If only it doesn’t have to be this way
My thoughts used to flash
In every direction
Now it is slowing down
In every heart beat
Till I’m dead inside
I don’t want to say it but I need to say it. It is part of my life whether I like it or not. Sometimes I feel like it is all there is in my life. And so, I let it wash over me like a wave.
I try to be tough. I try to laugh it off. I try to live my life regardless of me having this thing. I try to push myself. I try to think positive. I try tattoos just for the pain. I feel like, no matter the circumstances, there is no improvement in my life. Am I deluding myself from seeing what it is or is it true?
I keep finding myself running in circles while chasing and biting my own damn tail. I’m bleeding out and I don’t care. I want the blood to be drained from my body till I feel nothing. Just let the light deem enough till you can’t see it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have Clinical Depression.