Confession #05

Suicidal thoughts had been part of my life since I was a child. I always been fascinated by death. I even thought of million ways to kill myself. Niagara Falls has been a wonderful idea to die because it looks so beautiful to be drowned into I thought. This feeling had been so constant that it feels too much sometimes. Most of the time I lost it flow right through me but other days it keeps coming back wave after wave. It’s like there’s no way I can escape from its embrace. It feels too strong to be ignored.

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Hun, Calm Down

I know everything feels overwhelming right now

but you have to let these emotions run through you for a moment.

Just let it then breathe. It’s okay not to be okay.

In fact, sing your heart out,

run like a horse,

fly all over the world,

or anything that brings you peace.

Take this time for yourself.

Recover whatever you lost. So you can gain something new.

My Confession

I don’t want to say it but I need to say it. It is part of my life whether I like it or not. Sometimes I feel like it is all there is in my life. And so, I let it wash over me like a wave.

I try to be tough. I try to laugh it off. I try to live my life regardless of me having this thing. I try to push myself. I try to think positive. I try tattoos just for the pain. I feel like, no matter the circumstances, there is no improvement in my life. Am I deluding myself from seeing what it is or is it true?

I keep finding myself running in circles while chasing and biting my own damn tail. I’m bleeding out and I don’t care. I want the blood to be drained from my body till I feel nothing. Just let the light deem enough till you can’t see it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have Clinical Depression.