Confession #05

Suicidal thoughts had been part of my life since I was a child. I always been fascinated by death. I even thought of million ways to kill myself. Niagara Falls has been a wonderful idea to die because it looks so beautiful to be drowned into I thought. This feeling had been so constant that it feels too much sometimes. Most of the time I lost it flow right through me but other days it keeps coming back wave after wave. It’s like there’s no way I can escape from its embrace. It feels too strong to be ignored.

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Confession #03

I feel like my emotions shut down. It’s like I can’t feel anything until I read a piece of poetry or watching a clip that explains everything I am actually feeling. That is when my emotions finally shows and it feels both a good release and sad. Now my emotions is riding underneath the surface and not wanting to show until someone angers me. I’m trying to remain calm while focusing on myself.

Stream of Consciousness #08

Dear Me,

Wake up. Not this again. Wake up! You need to wake up! I know you still have feelings for him. You are just using hostility to lash out and giving him a reason to leave you. I know you like him like A LOT. So much that your hearts hurt when he is not there. So stop pretending and wake up! Wake up damn it! Do I have to slap you?! I know you will regret it so wake up.

Don’t you remember the little girl long ago you wished for this moment. The moment when someone finally choose you and only you. Now look at you. What the hell?! You want this. I know you do. So stop being so cold. People don’t like that. You need to remember again, don’t you. The dream you had and now it’s somewhere hidden in your mind just because you don’t like being hurt.

Maybe. During this time apart, someone else’s poor soul will make you realize that. Realize what you lost.

So please. Just. Wake. Up.

Kind regards,

You ❤